Before I “Woke Up”

I “woke up” four years ago during the year 2008. Even before that much of the world as it had been presented didn’t make much sense to me. Religion, science, politics, economics, all of the usual stuff. I hated it, yet as I was too insecure, full of self-loathing and prolonged teen-angst I wasn’t able to connect the dots. I lacked a holistic understanding of what I hated and why. I was too stuck in prisons of my own creation to see the prison outside. I dabbled in “forbidden ideas” like conspiracy theories and mystic and spiritual ideas. I remember pondering in elementary school what the theoretical framework could be for telekinesis or telepathy to work. I questioned the reality of matter, whether this all was an illusion, way before the movie The Matrix existed. UFOs were interesting, and the idea of Atlantis intrigued me to no end. I first heard about the Illuminati in the late nineties when I was in high school from a friend who was interested in politics. I even played the Illuminati card game (the non-collectible version of it). The friend explained some of the basic ideas of what the Illuminati was, how it is supposed to control the whole world from the shadows and all that. The idea was both terrifying and fascinating. Then I asked him if it was real, did the Illuminati exist? He paused for a while, looked really serious, and then answered no, no it cannot be proven. I thought just because it cannot be proven doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, yet the friend was much more interested in politics than me, and this Illuminati business sounded like politics to me so I sort of brushed it off. I think I could see doubt in his eyes too as he thought it over, but I guess I wasn’t ready to go there just yet.

I had always been interested in many mysterious things that polite society tends ignore or limit to the realm of fiction, yet as I was a child and not a complete fool I figured since the adults seemed to think these things are humbug or superstition, they must be right. They’re adults, I’m a child. Society told me that only crazy people take UFOs seriously, Atlantis or any other pre-historic advanced civilization is only a myth, parapsychology is pseudoscience at best so I believed it. I could never quite understand though, why people felt such aversion to the notion of conspiracy. I never doubted whether conspiracies exist. Groups of people, like politicians or other kind of criminals, can get together to plot to advance their own goals, which constitutes a conspiracy. There is nothing esoteric in this realization, yet I noticed that you’re just not supposed to talk about conspiracies in public so I played along. I didn’t believe in any grand multinational conspiracies spanning over decades, centuries or even longer, but mere understanding of language and the basics of how modern human society is organized demonstrates that conspiracies are commonplace. I bought the world view package of 3D, 5-sense reality, where only random chance and the most boring outcome is the correct one, where politics and economics are supposedly important and not a red herring to guide us away from reality. I bought the package, not because I liked it, no I felt disgusted by most aspects of it, but because I was told it was the only one there is. There was the “alternative” dogmatic religion, but I had learned to hate religion, i.e. Christianity, around the time I learned to read.

I accepted the modern materialist world view as reality, as I didn’t see any viable alternative. All of my true passions, which I would now say, have a much deeper connection to reality than the “scientific” and boring narrative we are sold at school and told by society. Yet for a long time they were confined to realm of fiction. I watched science fiction movies, played computer games that stimulated imagination and so on. It wasn’t forbidden to deal with UFOs and conspiracies while watching X-files. Aliens were very real on Star Trek or Star Wars. Magic existed in Final Fantasy VII. Although a weak substitute for reality, things like these kept the sense of wonder within from dying. It was confused, angry and in pain, but alive and kicking.

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