Having woken up to the reality of conspiracy initially filled my heart with more fear than before, yet it was in many ways a positive experience that gave me hope. Ever since I was a child I had hated the human race for several reasons. The wars and oppression that our history seemed to excel in, destruction of nature and cruelty to animals, religious dogma, general stupidity were among the chief reasons for my hatred of humanity. Although I had always despised Christianity I too believed in some sort of Original Sin, that every human was somehow guilty of a horrible crime by his or her mere existence. I honestly have a hard time recalling a time even as a young child when I would not have agreed with the notion that humanity was a cancer that needs to be eradicated for the sake of morality and survival of nature. I did not want to consider the possibility that humanity might be able to redeem itself. The best explanation for the various atrocities and simple transgressions toward common sense humanity has unarguably committed was the usual “it’s just human nature”. For the last 5000 years or so of human history, which is pretty much what you learn in school and on television, there is little good to be said of human development. As human nature hadn’t really changed during the period of history I was (vaguely) aware of, I figured that simply is what it means to be human. However, as I came to realize it seems likely there has been something like the Illuminati manipulating humanity for that time, for the first time I found a rational reason to consider alternative explanations for the rap sheet of humanity.
I came to realize humanity wasn’t 100% responsible for all of the malicious acts it has committed. It was still dumb and gullible, and responsible to a great degree for going along with the manipulation, but my idea of what being human meant began to change. In short, realizing the existence of the Illuminati was the first thing ever in my life that gave me hope for humanity. For the first time I allowed my heart to open to the idea that human beings could be something more than mere brutes who revel in destruction, exploitation, enslavement and misery of others and themselves. I had heard claims by Christians (who supposedly believe in Original Sin yet) who believe people are fundamentally good, but Satan or demons goad them to commit evil acts. I found the notion to be appalling in trying to allay responsibility away from humanity, yet now I don’t find the idea totally implausible. Whether the demons exist somewhere in spirit realms or in the minds of people is another story.
This was in the beginning of my awakening process. Now, a few years later, after having a read few books, looked stuff up on the internet and a lot of reflection, I’ve come to realize that 5000 (or maybe 10 000) years of oppression is simply a period in the history of humanity. What happened before was probably very different, for better or for worse. What happens for the next 5000 will also be different if I have anything to say about it.
Even though accepting the prevalence of conspiracies in our world was a positive realization, it was also a scary one. For a time I was more paranoid than usual. Almost anything seemed like it might be a ploy by the Illuminati to deceive us. Myself, like many other conspiracy nuts, viewed the Illuminati as an all-powerful force that decided how we live, guiding us toward their unknown and nefarious goal. Even people with a positive message, perhaps I should say especially people like that, seemed like disinfo agents. That was a period of one or two years perhaps. That period of fear and paranoia was one stage in my mental and spiritual development. I was facing my fears. Many of them already existed within, but I refused to acknowledge them. Now I was admitting their existence and slowly dealing the fear. In the course of time I began to realize much of the imagined omnipotence of the Illuminati was silly, yet it was an important step in my life to undergo the period.
During that two year period of fear the only one I felt I could trust was David Icke. I knew for a fact that many of his ideas had helped me a great deal, so he represented the sole stable point in my chaotic world view undergoing great change. However after a year or year-and-a-half after discovering Icke, I began to realize he’s not so infallible either. I began to suspect him. This little detail here, or that suspicious thing he said there. What does it mean? Could he be misleading me as well? Basically, I had built him up to be a kind of champion archetype during a time of great crisis, as that idea began to degrade I projected the doubts I had toward the idea I had constructed onto Icke. Illusions were shattering, the shards were sharp.