For most of my teenage years and until late twenties I had felt depressed, oppressed or just confused. Dealing with those emotions and understanding their causes had been one major factor in growing up. The default state of my feeling and self-image had been low. On a scale from -10 to +10, where zero would be mean I feel normal, not too happy, not too sad, not too inspired not depressed, I would generally feel like -5. Every now and then it would have been -10, perhaps +2 at the best of times. I got to know the lower end of the spectrum pretty well, at times I had a sick gothic adoration for it, yet there probably always was some part of me that had decided to rise above it. It seemed I wasn’t going to commit suicide, either because I was too much of a wuss, or because I felt there was something I needed to do. At times I would try to climb from the pit of despair into sunlight, but eventually I ran into a setback that knocked me back in. However in the course of time I became so familiar with the depths of angst and desperation it took me practically no effort to climb up. My self-image rose from -5 to zero or +1.
That is where I am now. There are tedious and distressing things in my life every now and then, they drag me below zero, yet it only takes conscious effort to rise back to surface. Right now my challenge is to climb up the lighted path. At best of times I’m around +5, hopefully even higher, that however doesn’t last long and I return to +1 or +2. Feeling happy and positive, with little fear or anger in sight, is still rather new to me. It’s easy to just chill and enjoy myself, but I know I have to arise above mere pleasure. Writing this blog is hopefully one step in that effort. Reaching out and communicating with the external world. Both to settle ideas and feelings dwelling within me with myself, and perhaps someone who reads this finds things they can identify with. I really want to do something to help others in this time of upheaval.