Climbing up from the Pit of Despair

For most of my teenage years and until late twenties I had felt depressed, oppressed or just confused. Dealing with those emotions and understanding their causes had been one major factor in growing up. The default state of my feeling and self-image had been low. On a scale from -10 to +10, where zero would be mean I feel normal, not too happy, not too sad, not too inspired not depressed, I would generally feel like -5. Every now and then it would have been -10, perhaps +2 at the best of times. I got to know the lower end of the spectrum pretty well, at times I had a sick gothic adoration for it, yet there probably always was some part of me that had decided to rise above it. It seemed I wasn’t going to commit suicide, either because I was too much of a wuss, or because I felt there was something I needed to do. At times I would try to climb from the pit of despair into sunlight, but eventually I ran into a setback that knocked me back in. However in the course of time I became so familiar with the depths of angst and desperation it took me practically no effort to climb up. My self-image rose from -5 to zero or +1.

That is where I am now. There are tedious and distressing things in my life every now and then, they drag me below zero, yet it only takes conscious effort to rise back to surface. Right now my challenge is to climb up the lighted path. At best of times I’m around +5, hopefully even higher, that however doesn’t last long and I return to +1 or +2. Feeling happy and positive, with little fear or anger in sight, is still rather new to me. It’s easy to just chill and enjoy myself, but I know I have to arise above mere pleasure. Writing this blog is hopefully one step in that effort. Reaching out and communicating with the external world. Both to settle ideas and feelings dwelling within me with myself, and perhaps someone who reads this finds things they can identify with. I really want to do something to help others in this time of upheaval.

Personal Responsibility for One’s Beliefs

I no longer regarded David Icke like teen boy obsesses over his favorite rock idol. I bean to understand he’s just a man, wise man and who has done a lot of good, but not infallible. However the process, of myself growing up and letting go of childish attachment to Icke’s words, began with the simple emotion: he doesn’t hold all the answers. Naturally it followed that I felt a bit angry and paranoid over his failings, i.e. being human. This period didn’t last too long, and I never doubted him to be disinfo very seriously, yet the phase was there.

Somewhere during the years 2010-2011 I had noticed I had grown up. Society tells us we become adults when we are 18, but I didn’t feel like an adult when I turned 18, nor even as I turned 25. When I was 18-19 I observed many supposed adults, 40-60 of age weren’t really adults either. It seems that a great many people stop their mental development sometime during their teen years. Age does not equal wisdom, however one needs a bit of age to acquire wisdom. I became adult in the age of 28 or 29. Sometime during early 2011 I had noticed I felt like an adult, not as I was before.

Now, being an adult, I can say that David Icke’s ideas have inspired me a great deal, reminded me to use the courage I already possessed, but he cannot hold all of the answers. The most simple reason being: that’s not how reality works. It’s not that you can just read one book, or listen to one guy in order to become wise, enlightened or compassionate. You have to do most of the work yourself. There are various people who guide in the right direction, the wrong direction or merely waste your time. You yourself must seek information, once that is done, you must be still and observe without interference.

Having grown up I now I am responsible for my own actions and beliefs. Even if significant portions of Icke’s work turned out to be false, I can not blame him. I am grateful for the information he has provided. I trust that he is being genuine in what he is saying, but it does not necessarily mean it is all correct. Take the reptilian issue for one. I cannot say I believe Icke’s claims about the reptilians or the Moon Matrix, nor can I say I disbelieve it. Icke makes a convincing case, and it should not be ignored, but I need much more evidence than vague references to people he’s met who say they’ve seen reptilians to believe it. On the other hand if indeed such an elaborate and multidimensional conspiracy is true, we can assume it would not be easy to prove. We cannot act like ordinary TV viewers who know that the identity of the bad guy will be revealed by the investigator after 45 minutes. Simply put, I think there is something worth exploring in the reptilian case, but we need to figure out ourselves what it actually means.

Period of Fear

Having woken up to the reality of conspiracy initially filled my heart with more fear than before, yet it was in many ways a positive experience that gave me hope.  Ever since I was a child I had hated the human race for several reasons. The wars and oppression that our history seemed to excel in, destruction of nature and cruelty to animals, religious dogma, general stupidity were among the chief reasons for my hatred of humanity. Although I had always despised Christianity I too believed in some sort of Original Sin, that every human was somehow guilty of a horrible crime by his or her mere existence. I honestly have a hard time recalling a time even as a young child when I would not have agreed with the notion that humanity was a cancer that needs to be eradicated for the sake of morality and survival of nature. I did not want to consider the possibility that humanity might be able to redeem itself. The best explanation for the various atrocities and simple transgressions toward common sense humanity has unarguably committed was the usual “it’s just human nature”. For the last 5000 years or so of human history, which is pretty much what you learn in school and on television, there is little good to be said of human development. As human nature hadn’t really changed during the period of history I was (vaguely) aware of, I figured that simply is what it means to be human. However, as I came to realize it seems likely there has been something like the Illuminati manipulating humanity for that time, for the first time I found a rational reason to consider alternative explanations for the rap sheet of humanity.

I came to realize humanity wasn’t 100% responsible for all of the malicious acts it has committed. It was still dumb and gullible, and responsible to a great degree for going along with the manipulation, but my idea of what being human meant began to change. In short, realizing the existence of the Illuminati was the first thing ever  in my life that gave me hope for humanity. For the first time I allowed my heart to open to the idea that human beings could be something more than mere brutes who revel in destruction, exploitation, enslavement and misery of others and themselves. I had heard claims by Christians (who supposedly believe in Original Sin yet) who believe people are fundamentally good, but Satan or demons goad them to commit evil acts. I found the notion to be appalling in trying to allay responsibility away from humanity, yet now I don’t find the idea totally implausible. Whether the demons exist somewhere in spirit realms or in the minds of people is another story.

This was in the beginning of my awakening process. Now, a few years later, after having a read few books, looked stuff up on the internet and a lot of reflection, I’ve come to realize that 5000 (or maybe 10 000) years of oppression is simply a period in the history of humanity. What happened before was probably very different, for better or for worse. What happens for the next 5000 will also be different if I have anything to say about it.

Even though accepting the prevalence of conspiracies in our world was a positive realization, it was also a scary one. For a time I was more paranoid than usual. Almost anything seemed like it might be a ploy by the Illuminati to deceive us. Myself, like many other conspiracy nuts, viewed the Illuminati as an all-powerful force that decided how we live, guiding us toward their unknown and nefarious goal. Even people with a positive message, perhaps I should say especially people like that, seemed like disinfo agents. That was a period of one or two years perhaps. That period of fear and paranoia was one stage in my mental and spiritual development. I was facing my fears. Many of them already existed within, but I refused to acknowledge them. Now I was admitting their existence and slowly dealing the fear. In the course of time I began to realize much of the imagined omnipotence of the Illuminati was silly, yet it was an important step in my life to undergo the period.

During that two year period of fear the only one I felt I could trust was David Icke. I knew for a fact that many of his ideas had helped me a great deal, so he represented the sole stable point in my chaotic world view undergoing great change. However after a year or year-and-a-half after discovering Icke, I began to realize he’s not so infallible either. I began to suspect him. This little detail here, or that suspicious thing he said there. What does it mean? Could he be misleading me as well? Basically, I had built him up to be a kind of champion archetype during a time of great crisis, as that idea began to degrade I projected the doubts I had toward the idea I had constructed onto Icke. Illusions were shattering, the shards were sharp.

Waking Up

I “woke up” in the course of the year 2008, or rather found the courage and wisdom destroy the old belief system I felt trapped in. There were various different variables that had guided me to that point, but the two major ones that I can identify are realizing my notion of love was completely wrong, and reading Graham Hancock’s book Supernatural. I had bought Supernatural while I was living in Japan in 2007 as an exchange student, but I got around to reading it the next year when I was back in Finland. It was one of those incidents when you see a book, and something deep inside you says you gotta read that book. It almost glowed on the bookshelf in the store like an item in a video game that you can pick up. I picked it up, looked at it, read the back cover text. The book seemed interesting, but my reason said at that point, it sounds too interesting to be true, it’s probably humbug. Gladly my intuition spoke louder at that point and I bought it. Supernatural deals with shamanism, Ayahuasca, spirituality and such matters. Reading the book managed to convince me there is actually reality behind such matters; I had wanted to believe it for a long time, but I needed more than just an emotional imperative to do so. I needed a rational reason to break through the walls of materialism. Supernatural provided it for me. It gave me the courage to face the truth that much of the reality we are sold by the main stream establishment of science, media, politics and religion is wrong. It wasn’t a poet’s daydream anymore, it was for real. It was exciting to discover this new world where nothing was known, and reality was for me to explore.

The other factor in destroying my old construct world-view was love. I had believed in the basic Hollywood-cheesy love song kind of romantic love. However in Japan I had met a Russian girl, we had a few moments of joy together and I was left with a broken heart. As I was forced to face the fact I wasn’t going to kill myself I had to revise my idea of love a great deal. As I was willing to let go of my deep-ingrained idea of love, it wasn’t too hard to let go off ideas about other matters like science and politics that I didn’t care much for anyway.

That was during the spring of 2008. I, for the most part, managed to rid myself of the old belief system and discovered there’s a whole new reality for me to discover. There was something true to spirituality, didn’t know what, but there was something there worth looking. The summer was one of conspiratorial awakening. I was looking for answers in the social and political walks of life. I watched many documentaries online, such as some Alex Jones videos. They seemed convincing enough. I was also watching UFO videos on Youtube. I first heard about the Disclosure Project, for example. Then I ran into the phenomenon that some people actually seemed to believe that reptilian aliens rule the earth. At first I thought it was hilarious. I probably laughed out loud and told my friends in IRC chat about it, how silly it was. Although there was something in me that figured its at least a better and more plausible explanation for what is happening on the planet than anything the main stream world is claiming it to be. On top of that there were some reptilian videos out there that were so obviously fake it seemed like they had been made to convince viewers that the whole reptilian issue is fake, which would suggest it is not completely fake. I kept looking. I watched a long interview of a Zulu shaman called Credo Mutwa who was interviewed by some white guy called David Icke. Credo Mutwa really knew how to pull your heart strings, I didn’t know on the rational level if I should believe him, but on an emotional level I did. I wanted to see more of Mutwa’s videos, but there weren’t many available. There were plenty of videos by the Icke-guy who seemed sort of dodgy, but since he was the one who brought Mutwa to me I guess he was alright.

There were so many things in what Icke was saying that made a whole lotta sense. Many things I had recently figured out myself, or nearly figured out. Like the concept of Opposames. Just few months ago I had figured out that Science and Religion or Left and Right in politics aren’t really opposites, more like two sides on the same coin. Icke was talking about the same thing, and he even had a word for it, Opposame. It seemed like he had all the answers. In the course of time my belief system shifted to that one of a proper conspiracy nut, although I remained quite agnostic about the reptilian issue. Yes, it’s another belief system, one based on fear at that, but still it was an improvement over any of the programming force fed by the main stream establishments. At that point you could say I had woken up simply because I had chosen to set on a path of no return. The beginning was confused and scary, but I was doing it of my own volition.

Before I “Woke Up”

I “woke up” four years ago during the year 2008. Even before that much of the world as it had been presented didn’t make much sense to me. Religion, science, politics, economics, all of the usual stuff. I hated it, yet as I was too insecure, full of self-loathing and prolonged teen-angst I wasn’t able to connect the dots. I lacked a holistic understanding of what I hated and why. I was too stuck in prisons of my own creation to see the prison outside. I dabbled in “forbidden ideas” like conspiracy theories and mystic and spiritual ideas. I remember pondering in elementary school what the theoretical framework could be for telekinesis or telepathy to work. I questioned the reality of matter, whether this all was an illusion, way before the movie The Matrix existed. UFOs were interesting, and the idea of Atlantis intrigued me to no end. I first heard about the Illuminati in the late nineties when I was in high school from a friend who was interested in politics. I even played the Illuminati card game (the non-collectible version of it). The friend explained some of the basic ideas of what the Illuminati was, how it is supposed to control the whole world from the shadows and all that. The idea was both terrifying and fascinating. Then I asked him if it was real, did the Illuminati exist? He paused for a while, looked really serious, and then answered no, no it cannot be proven. I thought just because it cannot be proven doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, yet the friend was much more interested in politics than me, and this Illuminati business sounded like politics to me so I sort of brushed it off. I think I could see doubt in his eyes too as he thought it over, but I guess I wasn’t ready to go there just yet.

I had always been interested in many mysterious things that polite society tends ignore or limit to the realm of fiction, yet as I was a child and not a complete fool I figured since the adults seemed to think these things are humbug or superstition, they must be right. They’re adults, I’m a child. Society told me that only crazy people take UFOs seriously, Atlantis or any other pre-historic advanced civilization is only a myth, parapsychology is pseudoscience at best so I believed it. I could never quite understand though, why people felt such aversion to the notion of conspiracy. I never doubted whether conspiracies exist. Groups of people, like politicians or other kind of criminals, can get together to plot to advance their own goals, which constitutes a conspiracy. There is nothing esoteric in this realization, yet I noticed that you’re just not supposed to talk about conspiracies in public so I played along. I didn’t believe in any grand multinational conspiracies spanning over decades, centuries or even longer, but mere understanding of language and the basics of how modern human society is organized demonstrates that conspiracies are commonplace. I bought the world view package of 3D, 5-sense reality, where only random chance and the most boring outcome is the correct one, where politics and economics are supposedly important and not a red herring to guide us away from reality. I bought the package, not because I liked it, no I felt disgusted by most aspects of it, but because I was told it was the only one there is. There was the “alternative” dogmatic religion, but I had learned to hate religion, i.e. Christianity, around the time I learned to read.

I accepted the modern materialist world view as reality, as I didn’t see any viable alternative. All of my true passions, which I would now say, have a much deeper connection to reality than the “scientific” and boring narrative we are sold at school and told by society. Yet for a long time they were confined to realm of fiction. I watched science fiction movies, played computer games that stimulated imagination and so on. It wasn’t forbidden to deal with UFOs and conspiracies while watching X-files. Aliens were very real on Star Trek or Star Wars. Magic existed in Final Fantasy VII. Although a weak substitute for reality, things like these kept the sense of wonder within from dying. It was confused, angry and in pain, but alive and kicking.

Life of a Conspiracy Nut

I am a 30 year old Finnish man. I believe in conspiracies, the influence of secret societies throughout the course of history, the Secret World Government, New World Order, the Illuminati and many other things no normal, law-abiding citizen of the globalized world should even think about. And, of course, 9/11 was an Inside Job™. In other words, I’m a conspiracy nut. Yet that is not all I am. Saying I’m a conspiracy nut is like saying chicken soup consists of chicken. Partially true, but there are numerous other ingredients included too. A more important part of me is having realized the whole idea of a materialistic, random, modern conception of reality is untrue. In other words, there is something spiritual and potentially wonderful we should be discovering instead of wasting our lives working at a cubicle 9-to-5 and watching TV. The good and the bad always go hand-in-hand, spirituality and the lies we have been sold.

This is the first entry in my blog titled Life of a Conspiracy Nut. I intend to reflect on my life as a regular person and the relationship that has with the various wonderful and horrifying truths that are coming to surface. Even tough the first paragraph discusses fairly grandiose matters, idealistic beliefs, but the facts is that the chicken soup that is me, does a lot more than ponder philosophically over esoteric matters. I also play computer games and board games, watch TV, play sports (sometimes), drink beer with my friends, possess desirous feeling toward members of the opposite sex and so on. My aim is to reflect on the relationship between the challenges the human race is facing at this time and my personal experience as a human being who sometimes just wants to have fun. You cannot separate one from the other. A holistic approach is needed.

As you can probably see this whole entry is loaded with dualities. The duality of conspiracy vs spirituality. Personal life vs societal endeavours. Perhaps that is why we are made flesh, to learn what it means to be separate from all that is, once that is accomplish we are to realize it is the very apartness hat connects them together.

So see ya when I see ya.

-Haukipesukone